"When To Speak Up (and When Not To)"
Godly Principles for Conversations You Won't Regret
By Dr. Michael D. Sedler
Welcome back! If you missed Part 1, click
here to get caught up. Just a reminder-- these are merely quotes from a great book I've been reading and are not meant to be taken out of context. If you wish to grasp the full idea behind Dr. Sedler's book, please read the book in it's entirety.
Chapter 4: Communication Breakdown
"A disgruntled employee, fellow worker, carpooler - whoever - finds something to complain about. There might be legitimacy in the complaints and a need to evaluate certain areas, but when communication takes a destructive approach, little positive change will occur." p. 46
"Do you take the time to listen to opposing ideas and suggestions? Or do you have tunnel vision? Are you approachable? Do your kids know they can approach you with contrary ideas? Do your children know and when to communicate with you?" p. 47, 48, 50
"It is possible to disagree with people and still be positive, respectful and supportive. The way in which you approach others is critical to the success of the conversation." p. 50
"When you share your concerns, be sure to emphasize that you are giving your impressions and your ideas. Do not implicate others or suggest that "everyone" sees it your way. That will put the individual, particularly a boss or supervisor, on the defensive." p. 51
"We were given two ears for a reason. Communication breakdowns discourage people from sharing their thoughts and ideas, and create opportunities for offense, bitterness and misunderstanding." p. 54
Chapter 5: A Question of Authority
"Questioning is a confrontational form of conversation that is filled with suspicion, lack of trust and accusations and puts people on the defense." p. 58
NOTE: Not all questions are necessarily a form of "questioning."
"Are you ready for the answer we are going to give, even if it is not what you want to hear?" p. 59
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This question works on kids too!
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"We appear to ask a question, but we are really complaining." p. 60
"Questioning that challenges may have its roots in accusation, arrogance or ulterior motives." p. 61
"My tendency was to want things done my way, even if I was not in charge- to challenge authority, to question the way things were done instead of learning about the process and trying to understand someone else's reasoning." p. 62
"Do we desire to have an understanding of their thought processes and decision-making or us it more important to point out flaws we perceive in their final analysis?" p. 62
"An accusing spirit can precede our voices... We do not even need to say anything to project an accusatory attitude." p. 64
"An accusing spirit seeks to destroy.... Allowing this type of attitude to infiltrate our spirits will pollute us… Asking questions is healthy and opens up communication. It is a "questioning attitude" that creates the problem." p. 65, 67
"Be careful when offense begins to brew within your heart." p. 66
"Be careful not to fall into the trap of becoming defensive. We may start with a question, become defensive, and finish by attacking the person. This happens all too often between husbands and wives, parents and children, and among friends." p. 70
Chapter 6: The Code of Silence
"The most important thought to enter my mind is my individual responsibility to God." -Daniel Webster p. 73
"Many spiritual deaths have occurred due to dishonesty." p. 77
"Is there a way to break out of the trap of rationalizing and justifying our actions? When we allow anger, bitterness and resentment to constrict our emotions and thoughts, self-protection kicks into action. People who seek justification for their behavior are often attempting to rationalize or excuse their own anger and the consequences of their imprudent action." p. 78, 79
"Lose the need to be in control... Too often we feel the urge to "help" others change their lives, their attitudes and their actions." p. 79
"It is okay if mistakes are made and errors take place. The key is having the grace and willingness to forgive others... We must step back and accept responsibility for our own involvement while releasing a prayer of forgiveness over the others involved." p. 79
"Do not take the blame for life's problems, and avoid placing the blame on other. Be honest about your patterns and difficulties." p. 79, 80
"Communicate your feelings and concerns in a way that can be received by the other person." p. 80
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| This has been huge in the success of our marriage. I used to cry every time I had to talk to my husband about something serious. It was not at all effective and made my husband feel terrible, as if he was making me cry. Once I got a handle on my tendency to shed tears, or was able to explain to him that I was not crying because of him, communication was so much better. |
"Each one of us has found ourselves in a place where we need to decide either to succumb to the pressure of the majority of to vocalize a different perspective." p. 84
"Use the buddy system. It is easier to say no and avoid pressure when someone else supports you… We all need people who will stand up for us and support our individuality, but not stand by and let us make poor choices." p. 85, 87
Don't isolate yourself! Your mind plays tricks on you, making you believe you're alone. If you talk to others about what you're thinking, you'll gain perspective and camaraderie.
"Tell me what company you keep, and I'll tell you who you are."
--Miguel de Cervantes
Good stuff! Stay tuned for Part 3!
Aloha, Rebecca
